


Swap

by livestolearn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bodyswap, Complete, Demon Blood Addiction, Gen, Sam Winchester Detoxing From Demon Blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-02 15:29:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8672722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/livestolearn/pseuds/livestolearn
Summary: Set after the brother's tangle with Famine. Sam is struggling with his addiction and withdrawal symptoms. He is desperate for support from his brother but doesn't get anywhere with him so Sam makes a suggestion. Dean accepts. Contains spoilers for everything associated with Demon Blood.





	1. You don't understand

“Dean I can’t just stop anymore.” Sam slumped in the passenger seat, a defeated look on his face. His head ached, his skin felt too tight to contain him.

“Yes you can. You’ve done it before.”

“Dude, you don’t understand what I’m going through here.”

“No I don’t. I didn't fuck a demon and start drinking her blood so how could I possibly understand.” Dean agreed.

“I thought we were over that argument.”

“We were until you decided to use again.”

“I didn’t _decide_ Dean. I was set up.”

“Right. And you couldn’t fight it? Seriously, you should have tried harder.”

“I did fight it. I didn’t take that ‘feast’ he offered me. I expelled the demons and kill Famine instead.”

Dean didn’t have much of an argument for that. He knew Sam beat the cravings. That’s why he was so frustrated that his brother seemed to be giving up now. “You could have resisted. I know you could. But the first buffet you were exposed too, you couldn’t get enough. Sure you said ‘no’ when offered seconds but still.”

“ _Cas_ couldn’t resist him and he’s got a lot more mojo than I do.” Sam growled in frustration “I can’t fight it. If I stop it’ll kill me. Look what happened last time.”

“You’ve quit this stuff once already. You’ve been fighting it for months.”

“Yeah and then Famine happened. He tailored that case to _me_ Dean. He wanted me to relapse so hard I couldn’t fight it. And now... after draining two demons. I’d have to go kill Lilith again to use up the rest of my mojo. Either that or take on Lucifer.”

“No!! Don’t say that Sammy, Don’t even think it.”

“I wish…”

Silence grew until it was almost unbearable. “You wish what?” Dean asked hesitantly. He half expected to hear that Sam wished to kill himself.

“That you could feel this, this, _need_ I guess you’d call it.”

Dean breathed a sigh of relief. “Well I can’t. We’re going to Bobby’s to detox. End of discussion.”

“Dean unless I blow my payload on something really powerful” Sam grimaced, repeating Ruby’s crude name for using up his powers rekindled the hopelessness he’d been struggling with since valentine’s day. It was eating him up inside. “The withdrawals are going to kill me and you know it. I can’t stop, maybe if you rationed me or something.”

“Ration you? What like demon blood methadone? I don’t think so. You’ve dealt before, you’ll do it again.”

An idea (an insane idea, born of the most powerful need to be understood; so powerful it rivaled the need for demon blood) popped into Sam’s head. “What if…” He hesitated; there was no way Dean would agree. He’d likely accuse Sam finally crossing completely over to the dark side for even suggesting it.

“Just spit it out Sammy.”

“Freaky Friday.”

“Come again?”

“Bodyswap.”

Dean slammed his hand on the steering wheel. “Are you kidding me?”

“I’m serious. It might give me the strength to fight this off if I can get my mind away from it for a little while.”

Dean’s first thought was ‘hell no!’ but he genuinely wanted to help his brother. “That’s a bit extreme don’t you think.”

“Probably, but when has that ever stopped us?”

“I…” If Dean were honest with himself he’d wanted to experience the spell since Gary had cast it on Sam. There were definite perks to attempting it, for both of them. As if in answer to this thought, a hotel came into view. The sign showed vacancies.  

“It’s ok Dean. Don’t...”

Dean interrupted. “Alright.”

Sam jumped like his brother had shot him with rock salt. “What?”

“You’re right, it’ll help me understand, but I’m hoping that it’ll help you understand my perspective too. Maybe if you’re in my body for a bit you’ll finally believe me when I say I’ve got your best interests at heart.”

“I can respect that. Do we still have the book?”

“Yeah we do.”

“Have we gotten rid of the components yet?”

“Nope. Haven’t had time. Plan was to burn ‘em at Bobby’s.” Dean slammed on the brakes and skidded into the motel parking lot.

A few hours later Sam tossed the last ingredient in the bowl and said “Animae domum redeant. Fas atque nefas instauretur. Potestate et auctoritate, sic fiat”

“You do realize this is stupid and it’s probably not going to work.”

“Really Dean? Cause you just said that out of my mouth.”

Dean jumped up and examined his face in the mirror. “Well I’ll be damned.”


	2. adjusting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Dean get used to the switch. Dean feels the draw. Sam escapes it... sort of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is the possiblity that this story could develop into a wincest eventually but only because they've swapped bodies.... I haven't decided yet. I also don't know how to classify the act while inside your siblings vessel? does that count as incest? I don't know... LOL
> 
> _____________________________________________________________________

Both men circled each other. “This is weird.” Sam stated.

Dean snorted in agreement. “How do you feel?”

“Fine” Sam replied after a moment of consideration. “No cravings. You?”

“I want a drink. But anything else? It’s hard to tell. It’s a lot to take in.”

“So alcoholism is mental and physical then?”

“I guess. It’s more a habit than an addiction.”

Sam shot his brother a disbelieving look, “Not from in here.” He could feel the need to drink quite acutely. It wasn’t unmanageable but he could feel it. The difference between the urge to drink demon blood and have a drink of whiskey was like comparing a dew drop on a leaf to a monsoon. “Don’t worry the real cravings’ll hit you soon enough.” Sam had always been confident that his addictions were purely physical because seriously, the concept of drinking someone’s blood was revolting. He didn’t _want_ to do it, his body _needed_ him too. Now he knew for certain, his mind was completely clear of cravings! If he stayed in Dean’s body he’d never slip up again. Sam sat on the bed with a thump; bracing his elbows on his knees, taking a deep freeing breath. “I kinda feel free. Like this huge weight is off my chest.”

Dean took a similar position on the other bed. “Good.” Conversation dropped off abruptly. Both men stared at each other for a long while. Sam caught his body’s face flush suddenly.

“What?”

“I keep thinking about what it would be like.”

“What what would be like?”

“Sex.”

“Are you serious?”

“You and I both know how my mind works. I _like_ sex.”

“Yeah but in my body? Doesn’t that cross some weird incest boundary?”

Dean flushed again. It probably did but Dean couldn’t help it. He even felt his brother’s body respond to his line of thought. “I could just jerk off.”

“Dean... I don’t... I need a walk or something.” Sam abruptly stood and slammed out of the room. Dean close by his side.

“If it bothers you that much I won’t. It’d feel too much like rape if I didn’t have your consent.”

“This is still too new right now. I can’t believe you want to add sex into it.”

“Sorry. It’s how I roll buddy. Sex, alcohol, and hunting. There isn’t much else in that body or this mind.”

They walked for a while down the darkened highway. Dean was surprised by how fast Sam’s body was tiring out. He had to ask to turn back way before he figured someone as fit as Sam would need to. The silence descended again as both men contemplated the way their new body’s felt, taking time to adjust.      

When they arrived back at their room Dean felt he’d finished with the self-assessment, “I don’t know what to tell you buddy. I don’t feel any worse now compared to when I leave alcohol behind for a few days. It’s honestly nothing I can’t handle.”

“I always feel that way after I... I guess after I get a hit. Since we’re treating this like an addiction.”

“How long does it usually take?”

“I was expecting to get hit by major cravings by the end of the night. Before the switch I was still able to cover it up so it wasn’t so bad yet.” Sam crawled up on his bed and leaned against the headboard, thinking of a way to show his brother the full intensity of a craving. He got so lost in thought that when Dean started to laugh Sam jumped. “What?”

“I can’t decide if you’re on the wrong bed or not?”

Sam, who’d sat on the bed he’d dropped his duffle on, looked around and realized that Dean was right. “Uhh... I think...” Sam usually took the bed farthest from the door so that if anything came through Dean would get in the way first. It’d been like that since they were kids. Since it was like looking in a mirror when he looked at his brother, he understood Dean’s confusion. Was it Dean’s body that protected Sam at night or his mind? Should they switch? Would it matter? Had it ever mattered? Sam joined in the laughter; finding the situation absurdly funny. Sam tossed his bag over to Dean with a shrug. He decided that it must be the mind not the body because he felt no urge to be a human shield for his own meat suit with Dean’s body tonight.

As was normal for Sam’s mind when struggling to find a new perspective the distraction had let his brain find it’s connections and solutions. “Castiel!” Sam called out in Dean’s voice. He closed his eyes and prayed without explaining to Dean what he was planning. “Dear Castiel, please come and see me. I need you man.”

Dean shot him a startled glance. When Cas didn’t show Sam reached into his bodies pocket and yanked out a cell. Castiel answered after the first ring. “What is it Dean?”

“Can you come see us? We need your help with something.”

“Very well. What is your location?”

Dean tossed him a note pad with the hotel name and address printed on it. Of course, Dean threw too hard, underestimating his body’s strength. But Sam was able to rely on Dean’s meat-suit’s reflexes and managed to catch the fluttering pad.

Before he had a chance to hang up the phone Cas had fluttered into the room.

“Dean, I am very busy.” He started, and then stopped his lecture cold. “You are not Dean. Sam, how did you end up in that vessel?” He drew his angel blade seeking a threat.

“Whoa, Cas it’s cool buddy.” Dean said, stepping up beside his body.

“How did this happen? Who did this to you?”

“No one did it to us. We chose to do it.” Dean answered.

Castiel tilted his head to the side. Trying to figure out what the brothers had gotten into this time.

Dean gestured toward Castiel silently suggesting Sam follow through with his plan. Sam shrugged and made his request, “Cas I need you to go trap us a demon.”

Dean’s head whipped around, to stare at Sam in shock.

Castiel just looked confused. “I beg your pardon?”

“I need you to trap and secure a demon. Any low level grunt will do, no heroics I don’t want you getting hurt for this. I don’t want anyone too powerful either. I just need to expose my body to temptation.”

Dean felt a strange longing in his gut at the suggestion. If he didn’t know any better he would have thought that the idea of being in proximity to a demon was almost sexually arousing to Sam’s body. It made him very uncomfortable. “Sammy, are you serious?”

“Yes. I don’t want to be in your meat-suit any longer than I have to be so we need to force the issue. Every time I’m around a demon the cravings become so strong I practically _have_ to kill and drink. It’ll guarantee that you’ll get the full force of it.”

“Yeah but... what if it’s your mind that’s addicted. If you lose control you could get me hooked.” Dean had stood and was pacing frenetically. Trying to ignore the increased heart rate and sweat building around his temples.

“That’d only make sense if I could feel cravings right now. I don’t feel anything other than revulsion at getting into to room with a demon. I’m not craving even in the slightest. But you... I’ll bet that since I brought it up you’re starting to feel the pull right? Kinda sick to your stomach? Like you can’t sit still? Maybe aroused? Hot and cold at the same time? Like you don’t fit in your skin anymore?”

“Sammy, it’s nothing worse than doing without booze.” Dean lied; a tinny spark of understanding was starting to grow in Dean’s mind.

“Dean, I’ve seen that face lie to my brain so many times that you can’t fool me. I know you’re full of shit.”

“Ok, fine. Yeah maybe I feel it.”

Castiel reached out and grabbed the vessel holding Dean’s soul. “Please explain what is going on,” he demanded.

“We performed a body swapping ritual. The same spell that Gary used on me a few weeks ago.”

“I do not understand why you would do such a thing.”

“Sammy thinks it’ll help me understand the addiction. He wants me to be tempted but not use. He wants to make me go through detox.”

“And I wanted a few hours away from the cravings so I could regain the ground I’ve lost after Famine messed with me.”

Castiel looked between the two men for some time then nodded and vanished.

Dean was uncomfortable and it was embarrassing. So he fell back on his old standby to cover his emotions up. Humor. He walked right up to his body, towering over it and looking down.

Sam took a step back, uncomfortable with someone looming over him like that.  

“You know Sammy.” Dean said after stepping back up into Sam’s personal space. “I always thought the air would be clearer up here somehow. So far, I don’t see any difference in being so tall.”

Sam pushed him back and crossed his arms. “Just wait.” Sam said with an ominous chuckle. He slumped back down on the bed to wait for Cas to contact them. Dean threw himself on the other bed and promptly wacked his head off the headboard. “Hey! be careful. That’s my brain you just banged up.”

Embarrassed, Dean ordered his brother to shut up. Then said, “Toss me my flask.”

Sam considered his brother for a long moment and then dug out the flask. Once it was in his hand he found he couldn’t hand it over without taking a swig himself. He realized that alcohol had a physical _and_ mental hold on his brother. The mouthful was enough to take the edge off, allowing Sam to relax a bit. “Fair warning,” He said as he tossed the flask across to Dean, “The alcohol makes the blood cravings worse.” He tossed it gently, expecting Dean to overestimate the distance when catching. He smirked when the flask hit the bedspread. “Dude, just don’t get drunk in my body. No sex with random women in it either.”  

“You’re no fun.” Dean took a swig and felt better. After whipping his mouth and capping the flask he asked a question that had been bothering him since the switch. “Do you think that you’re mojo would still work if I were to try to expel a demon? Or do you think it’s your mind that does the work?”

That was an intriguing thought. “Good question. I don’t really know. I guess it’d come down to what makes me, me, and how I funnel the power. Maybe, like an angel or demon I’m me no matter what vessel I’m in or since it’s almost like an infection from childhood the power resides in the vessel. You know like an unnatural influence affecting the vessel.”

“Well, if we gotta gank us a demon we should try it out just to see. Might give us a better understanding of how it works.”

“I guess. I was pretty drained though so you may have to have a drink before we can test your theory.”

Dean wanted to freak out and say no, but the very thought had his body reacting. He had to restrain himself from crawling over to Sam and begging. “Maybe we shouldn’t. I know I’ll be able to resist so let’s not complicate this.”

“Dude, you don’t know the power of it.”

“I’m determined to show you, you can fight this.”

“Good luck with that. You should get some sleep. Things are gonna get tough when Cas finds us a demon to play with.” Sam smirked when Dean shifted uncomfortably. Sam knew he’s started feeling it. The booze was helping speed the craving along. Sam felt strangely sad that he was so excited to watch his brother and his body succumb to the addiction.

Dean shuffled himself down in the twin sized bed to get comfortable. Sam held in his chuckle. Dean was about to face one of his biggest frustrations with hotel’s. He watched his body stretch out to its full length. His feet stuck over end by almost an inch. Dean grunted and scrunched up. His feet getting uncovered, he flipped and shifted until settling diagonally across the mattress.

“Ok.” He said. “That kinda sucks.”

“When I went to Stanford, the length of hotel beds was a primary reason I wanted to go.”

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“To whom? You and dad just told me to get over it.”

“You could have said something when you got back into it.”

“You still wouldn’t have listened.”

Dean knew this was true. But now that he’d experienced it first hand, he was going to ensure that his little brother wasn’t so uncomfortable again. “So queens from now on? No more cheeping out on twins?”

“I’d appreciate it. It’s amazing what a couple inches does to one’s comfort.” He lay straight on the bed, feet still covered, head on the pillow. “I envy your shortness.”

“I’m not short.”

“You are to me.”


	3. Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boy's discuss their feelings. Castiel learns about the human condition.

When Dean awoke the next morning he could no longer ignore the cravings for demon blood. Testing a theory he pictured drinking a pitcher of beer and felt no change in his physical condition. When he pictured his body drinking blood from a demon’s body, he groaned. Sam’s body cried out for it, he longed to grab his keys and start searching for a source of blood. Sitting up was a struggle. Staying in the building was harder. He felt like he was about to die of dehydration.

Stumbling into the bathroom he drank right from the tap until he felt so full he thought he’d burst, but still he was thirsty. He turned his attention to the shower. He’d had cold sweats all night so he was sure he reeked. In the stall he discovered another flaw to his brother’s height, the shower head sat about an inch lower than his head. His normal body wouldn’t have had a problem with it but honestly? How did Sammy do it?

“Did you enjoy the shower?” Sam asked when Dean staggered out of the bathroom. It was strange to see his body walking around naked. His initial reaction was to order his brother to cover up but he realized the only one to see his body was himself and honestly, he’d seen it all his life. So really, what was the need for modesty?

“How do you do this?” Dean asked, meaning both the blood withdrawal and the height. “Nothing is right.” He snipped.

“I’m guessing you’re feeling it then?”

“Yes. Fuck. I am. How about you?”

“Nothing. I can even resist the need for alcohol. I tried while you were showering. If it was blood and I were in that body I’d have ripped you to pieces to get to it. But today, I think I could face a gallon of demon blood and not have a problem.”

“It’s getting easier for you to talk about it. Isn’t it?”

Sam jerked back when he realized that Dean was right. “Maybe because I know you feel it now.”

Dean considered this, “now I know we made the right choice with this spell. It’s definitely worth it.”

“You sure? Cause I look like shit or rather you do.”

Dean smirked but he couldn’t muster the energy to laugh.

“We should go get food.” Sam suggested, knowing the effect the offer would have on his brother.

Dean nearly vomited at the idea. Food was something he thought he could do without for the rest of his life. He violently shook his head. He was saved from any lecture that Sam was about to give him by Castiel fluttering into the room.

“I have secured a demon. It is held in an abandoned warehouse twenty miles from this location.”

Dean felt his mouth start to water and he was disgusted with himself. Almost on its own, his vessel said “then let’s get going!” Shame colored his features. Just a few days ago he’d been so angry with Sam for responses like this, now he couldn’t stop himself from reacting the exact same way.

Sam actually smirked at his brother. Finally, he was going to understand.

“Sam.” Castiel cautioned “I do not know that it is fair to expose Dean to these cravings and the influence of demon blood. He is the type of individual whose soul may become addicted. Please remember that his soul was severely damaged by his time on the rack.”

“I have no intention of letting him get any Cas. I just want him to feel the withdrawals and the cravings. I want him to know what I go through because of this stuff.”

“Why do you feel so strongly?”

“You mean you don’t actually know?” Sam was shocked. He knew Cas didn’t understand the human condition but the way the angel sought approval from his brothers, he was sure that he’d recognize the need for acceptance and approval.

Castiel shook his head. Sam opened his mouth to explain but Dean beat him too it. “Cas, I’ve been treating Sam like shit through all this. I assumed he wanted all this. But this whole time all he wanted was help to get off the stuff without me treating him like a pariah. Right Sammy?”

“I just want respect Dean. I hate using this stuff. I can’t stand myself most of the time. Sitting over hear in your body watching you struggle in mine; I’m having trouble resisting the urge to put you out of your misery. I’m disgusted by myself. When I was fighting it, I had something to be proud of. You started trusting me again. I’d succeeded in something. Now, after famine, I don’t know that my body can resist again. I think I’m completely corrupted.”

“Sammy, we can beat this. I’m still confident that you can fight it. I’ll help. You’ll see.”

Sam reached into his vessels clothing and pulled out the keys. He marched past his own body and pulled open the driver’s side door. Dean tried to argue but he knew the look on his face. He gave up arguing and took his place as passenger. Castiel crawled into the back and watched the brothers, fascinated by their interactions.

“How are you feeling Dean?” Castiel asked; hoping to get Dean to describe the sensation of withdrawal to him. He was curious for his own personal understanding of humanity and he was hoping that hearing his brother explain it would let Sam understand his own addiction better.

“Nauseated, exhausted, dizzy, shaky.”

“You started hallucinating yet?”

“No. I don’t think so anyway.”

“You’ll know.” Sam told him grimly.

Castiel went back to Dean for more explanation hoping to prompt more discussion. “What about emotionally? How do you _feel_?”

Dean considered this, he didn’t really want to talk about his feelings but he knew it would be good for Sammy to hear what his perspective was so he dug deep to put words to his emotions. “I’m angry; like ready to rip something to shreds angry. I don’t even know why. I also kinda wanna cry cause I hurt so bad. I am nearly overwhelmed with shame and self-loathing for something I thought I could control but suspect I will fail at. Oh yeah, and I can’t believe how thirsty I am.”

“You’re not thirsty.” Sam interrupted. “It took some time to realize it but I figured it out. I think it has something to do with how I take the... uh... I guess I can call it a drug?”

“You mean the act of swallowing liquid is what I want?”

“Sort of, the act of swallowing the blood is what get’s you the power, the height so your body wants you to drink. The contamination in this case is magical in nature so it’s actually guiding your—my body to kill and drink. I think it’s a compulsion spell of some sort. But even if it were something like Meth or Crack I’d still be having symptoms like your having. It’s something called a conditioned compensatory response. Like Pavlov’s dog salivating when he hears the bell because the bell means food. The action’s associated with using are what gets your body ready to handle the actual drug. In my—our case, it boosts the psychic abilities so I can hold the demon power in my body.”

Castiel prompted the discussion again. “Do you miss the drug Sam? From your perspective of being inside Dean’s body?”

“You mean do I have any need for it? Sort of. I guess I’m hoping that I still retain the powers; admittedly I like how it feels to expel a demon with my mind. Even with the nose bleeds and headaches. It makes me feel intellectually powerful, like I have some say in what goes on in my life. I get that so rarely.”

“Sammy...”

“No Dean, don’t argue that point. We both know I’ve had very little choice in my life. I think I enjoy the fact that I can get a bit of power out of all this. I’m working on finding other ways to make me feel like I have a say in my life but you don’t make it easy. You won’t even let me pick the music. You never let me drive. You treat me like a child, over protect me, and make me feel weak. It _was_ nice to have something more powerful than you.”

“Was?” Castiel asked.

“I have the psychological need for power without the taint of the blood. I can think clearly for the first time in, well in my whole life. I can see way’s that I can get power without needing psychic abilities.”

Dean was silent for a while. “Have I contributed to you using?” he asked in a small, pained voice.

“Yes.” Sam replied quite firmly. “Only because you were so mean to me at first. If you had just worked with me, listened to me after you got back from hell, I would have resisted. I stopped using completely when you came back from hell. I didn’t start using regularly Sioux City; remember the case with those magicians and the immortal witch?”

Dean nodded, stunned. “You stopped when I came back?”

“ _Yes_. I was trying to use my powers without the blood. Ruby was on my case constantly to keep using. I refused because I knew it was stupid. My body wasn’t as addicted as it is now.”

“Why do I feel uh... excited at the prospect of getting near this demon?”

“What you mean turned on? That’d be Ruby’s influence. Remember that compensatory response? She made it sexual, she’d encourage me to fuck her before and after she gave me the blood. It’s all mixed up in my head now too. I’m scared to even try having sex with someone in case I want to start sucking them dry. I’m not sure I’d even be able to get it up without... I don’t know?”

“Blood play?” Dean asked quietly.

“Yeah. I guess that’s a word for it.”

“I give you permission.” Dean said more confidently.

“Permission for what exactly?”

“To have sex in my body. That’ll show you that your mind is into it and doesn’t need blood to get interested.”

“Dean I’m not sure I’m down with that.”

“Just think about it. I can do the same. Take your meat-suit out for a test drive and see if it makes you try to engage like that. To see if it still responds without blood.”

The car fell silent. Castiel bore witness to this fascinating discussion filing all the tidbits of information away.  This whole idea had scared him when he’d first learned of it, but now, after listening to the way the brothers were talking so openly, so freely; it had to be a good idea.

“Is this the place?” Sam asked after a few moments.

“Yes. Please go around back, you will see a blue door in the northern quadrant of the building the demon is contained in the cold storage unit of the unit.” Sam simply nodded, still not answering to his brother’s last offer. He had to say he was tempted but, honestly, unsure of himself and his body. He didn’t know if it would be safe no matter what vessel he was in.  


	4. Exposure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean faces a Demon, Sam faces temptation

Dean pushed the blue door open, he felt like he was vibrating with tension. The body he inhabited was so activated he thought he might explode. Inside the walk-in freezer he was exposed to his first demon while addicted to demon blood.

He could hear the thing’s heart beating; smell the blood coursing through its veins. His pulse quickened into a sudden killing rage mixed with a wild almost animalistic lust. There was something else, less identifiable inside him, a thrumming running from his head to the soles of his feet. It felt like he’s accidently stepped into the path of an impending lightening strike. It was exhilarating. He charged forward and almost made it to the demon before he remembered he was supposed to be fighting this. But his body wouldn’t stop, it was being drawn in by the power, by the blood, he had no conscious control anymore. The vessel was in charge, it was terrifying.

Both Sam and Castiel grabbed him by the shoulders and held him back. “Not so easy to resist is it?” Sam hissed into his ear. “Should I start talking to you like you talk to me at this point? You have to fight it Dean. Don’t be weak. How could you even consider this? Just walk away. You can kill it without using your powers. Just ignore the draw.” Dean whimpered and tried to pull away. “Should I tell you how disgusting you are? Maybe tell you that the power building in your body is something that is easily ignored if you had a stronger will?”

Castiel gripped Dean tighter when Sam let go to start pacing in front of the terrified demon. By this point it was babbling nonsense to try to escape. Offering what intel it could provide. It broke without them even touching it. Sam glared at the pathetic thing, more disgusted with it than his own body.

He marched up to it, yanking out a switchblade. Flicking it open, he wrenched the thing’s arm out and tore off its sleeve. The knife bit into its skin causing blood to bubble to the surface. He drew on the symbol that would lock it into its body until it was either dead or expelled.

Sam learned in that moment, that his mind was at least somewhat addicted to demon blood. He had to resist the urge to lean down and lap up the drips. It wasn’t nearly as hard as he’d expected though. He glanced back at his brother, taking a swipe of blood onto his finger he brought it over to tempt his body even more.

The moment Sam drew blood Dean lost any illusions of control. He pulled against Castiel, wild and desperate. Now though, as Sam approached with this tiny amount of blood he calmed. His eyes terrified by him. “Sammy don’t,” Dean begged.

“Don’t what? Be weak and suck this off your body’s finger or don’t let my body do it?”

Dean strained to get closer. Sam reached out with the blood dripping finger and let his brother see it nice and close. His lip curled up in revulsion when Dean couldn’t stop the lean forward. He practically stuck his tongue out to reach it. “God no wonder you’re so hard on me Dean. I’m sickening.” Sam stepped back, whipping the blood on the babbling demon. “Now let’s see if it’s my mind that does the work or the body hmm?” Sam reached out his hand and _focused_. He tried to call the power out of his mind but nothing happened. At least not in this vessel. Beside him he was dimly aware that his brother had mimicked his pose. “Dean is that you doing that?”

“NO!” Dean sounded panicked.

“Huh.” Sam mumbled. He dropped his hand and turned to the vessel and focused. “Even though I’m in here, I can still control the power over in my body.”

From Dean’s perspective he was now simply a passenger on a very uncomfortable amusement park ride. The hair on his arms stood on end. The headache that had been building since entering the freezer blossomed to new impossible heights. Then Sammy turned toward him and _stared_. His body raised a hand, Dean whimpered in fear. If felt like he’d become a bolt of lightning and Sam was making the demon a lightning rod.

The pain in his brain reached new impossible heights. Blood dripped out his nose. He’d long since stopped fighting Castiel and instead was gripping his head with the hand he could move. He remembered this stance from the few time’s Sammy had expelled demons in front of him.

The demon that was the focus of all that power started to choke. Then without much fanfare it smoked out. Sam kept the power flowing through the body Dean’s mind was inhabiting until the smoke had sunk into the floor in a fiery ring.

Dean collapsed onto the floor. Sam grimaced and turned toward the victim. A young teenage girl started waking up gasping for breath. “Are you alright?” Sam asked quietly. “We’re here to help.”

The girl burst into tears. “Where am I?”

“Don’t worry about that right now.” Sam said with as much compassion as he could muster. “Are you hurt?

“I... don’t think so.”

“Good. This is Castiel. He’s going to take you home ok? Please don’t tell anyone what happened here because they’ll just lock you up in the nut house.” Sam reached into her pocket and pulled out a simple black cell phone with a rainbow sticker on the back. He pulled down his shirt and took a picture of his anti-possession tattoo. “Get this tattoo and no demon will ever be able to possess you again. It has to be done exactly, alright? Don’t let the artist take any liberties.”

The girl nodded and let Castiel lift her to her feet. He placed a finger on her forehead and healed her injuries before fluttering them both away toward her home.

Sam walked up to his brother, who was still prostrate on the floor gasping for air. Kicking him lightly with his booted foot, “Get up.”

“Can’t.”

“Yeah you can. Come on.”

“I failed.”

“No you didn’t. I told you it was nearly impossible to fight.”

“How do you do it then?”

“I just do. Maybe cause it’s my body I know it’s triggers. I can avoid them. But it hurts like this every time. Now get up. We are going back to the hotel and then to Bobby’s. Time for you to experience some real detox symptoms. I promise to only let it go for a few more hours.” Dean struggled onto his brother’s stilt like legs. Sam supported him as they trudged toward the car.


	5. Mutual Understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lesson's learned, understanding reached, new paths taken.

Nine hours later Dean (still in Sam’s body) screamed for help, his voice cracking in agony. Sam sat on the top step of the basement stairs. Bobby sat beside him, a hand on his shoulder. “How did you guy’s listen to this?” Sam asked fighting the urge to plug his ears.

“It wasn’t easy kid.”

“I know what it’s doing to him. It’s going to kill him.”

“Then why’re we doing it?”

“Dean _needs_ to understand why cold turkey won’t work.”

“I don’t think he understands much of anything right now son.”

“I know that Bobby. Damn it! He will once we switch back.” Sam ground out. Then after a particularly piercing cry echoed off the basement walls Sam shot up and started down the stairs towards the panic room door. “I can’t let him do this anymore. This is my cross to bear not his.”

“Sam, sit down and talk to me.”

“About what? I have to stop this!”

“You just sit your ass down here boy. Why did you do this in the first place? You wanted to get perspective right?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you get it yet?” Bobby asked once Sam had sunk back down on the step. “Do you understand why Dean and I made the choices we made?”

“I think so. I wasn’t just killing myself I was damning my soul you guys were just trying to help.”

“And now you know how hard it was for us to listen to _that_?”

Dean screamed out for Sam to come rescue him that Lucifer was in the panic room. “God, Bobby I do.” Clenching his jaw Sam glared at the iron doors. “If he could just live until the worst is over...”

“But the problem with that boy, is it’ll never be _over_ will it?”

“No it won’t. I gotta wean down to something manageable until I can kick it. It’s too much right now.” Sam sat there for another few minutes. “That’s it. I’m done. Bobby, I’m going down to do the ritual to put me back in my body. Can you talk Dean down and get him to get Castiel’s help finding a supply of demon blood.”

“Yeah. I can try.” Bobby sighed, “Hey Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you kid. Just know that we are trying to help you ok?”

“Love you too Bobby. Just so you know, I see and here everything you say to me. I know what you’re trying to do and I appreciate it.”

The ritual was easy enough. Dean gasped when he was abruptly freed from the withdrawal symptoms. Sam took a shuddering breath and groaned. Dean staggered toward his brother, running calming fingers through his hair. “What can I do to help buddy?” He asked, so much compassion coming with those words that Sam fought back tears.

“Bobby knows.” He gasped.

Dean reached out and gripped Sam’s groping hand. He hollered for Bobby to join him. “I’m not leaving you alone to deal with this. Those hallucinations are way too intense to handle on your own.”

“Dean...” Sam pleaded.

After a brief conversation with Bobby, Dean called Cas. “Cas can you do me a favour?”

“Is this Dean or Sam?”

“Dean. We need demon blood. I’m gonna give Sam just enough to take the edge off the hallucinations until he’s strong enough to fight again. I’d do it myself but I’m not leaving him alone.”

“Understood. I will be there in a moment. I gathered some today just in case you decided to attempt weaning. The other angels will not be pleased with this choice but...” the sentence broke off and continued from directly behind Dean, who nearly jumped out of his skin. “I feel we have no alternative if we are to keep Sam mentally stable enough to continue to refuse Lucifer.” His voice echoed through the phone before Dean ended the call. He turned away from his brother to glare at the Angel. Castiel held out a small phial.

“How much do we give him?”

“All of it. I will bring you more every eight hours. If that is too much or not enough we will adjust our dosing schedule.”

“You’re his methadone doctor now are you? You gonna want a pee test?”

“I do not require his urine.”

“You’re gonna control the dosage? Why not me?”

“I feel it safer now that you have been exposed to the cravings as well. I am concerned that you will succumb to the addiction.”

“I won’t. Trust me. I never got the euphoria, just the negative side effects.” Dean did agree that Cas should hold the supply though. “It’s safer to keep doses away from him. Addicts can be sneaky and I know from experience he can smell the stuff from a mile away. There’s no way we could hide it.” Dean thanked his friend and turned to his brother. “Ok, Buddy, let’s take the edge off.”

Sam clawed for the phial and sucked it dry. Dean forced himself to watch, controlling his expressions to hide any negative emotions. “I need more.” Sam gasped.

“Not yet. Eight hours and we’ll give you more. I know this is gonna be hard Sammy but I’ll be here the entire time. Now, let’s get you unchained and head up stairs.” Sam silled his restless struggling so Dean couls tart unlatching the belts around his legs. “If you promise to stay put, we won’t lock you up.”

“I’ll try. If I get out of control though, please lock me back up.”

“If it gets too bad we’ll call Cas for another dose. But just so you’re aware, I’m deciding what’s too much, not you.”

Sam nodded his agreement. He watched his brother closely for signs of distrust or disgust, but there was nothing, only love and respect. The moment his arms were free he threw himself at his brother and took him into a tight hug.

Dean returned the hug and let his brother sob into his shoulder for way longer than he normally would have. Then he pushed him off. “Dude you stink. Let’s go get you showered. I’ll stay with you in case things get bad.” Sam struggled to his feet. Dean supported him up the stairs. Bobby nodded grimly as they passed. Dean tossed him the empty phial to dispose of. “Rinse that out well before tossing it. Maybe with bleach so it doesn’t smell.”

Bobby grunted in response.

In the washroom Sam stood in the shower under the hot water, shaking like a leaf. Dean sat on the toilet waiting. “I’m sorry Dean.” Sam said.

“Don’t be. I understand now. I still don’t get how you got started on all this shit but I understand why you can’t stop.”

“I always thought you were just being an ass. But watching me go through that, I get why you were so angry.”

“Good. So we both understand now.”

“Right. Now what?”

“What’d you mean, now what? Now we get you clean enough to function and then we work on building up resistance to the stuff. I think we should both start going to NA.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah. I’m serious. Maybe they have some tips on how we can beat this. We’ll do the whole 12 steps. Then maybe we can both be better equipped to stop the apocalypse.”

Sam slowly turned the water off and pulled down a towel off the bar. Drying off and wrapping the towel around his waist, he stepped out and looked directly into his brother’s eyes. “Ok, this is the last chick flick moment I’m going to expose you too for at least a few days. Dean, I love you. Thank you for finally understanding and helping me through this. I am going to do everything in my power to resist and I’m going to be able to do it because I have your respect.”

“Sammy, I love you too.” Dean said quietly and then he flung the door open, “Now get some clothes on and meet me down stairs. We haven’t eaten in days.”

Sam felt the unfamiliar urge to laugh and slammed the door behind him. By the time he made it downstairs there was pizza on the table and family around it. He smiled at Bobby, Cas, and Dean. They tentatively returned it.

Sam finally felt like he had a chance to beat this thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :) Please feel free to leave comments and kudos!


End file.
